This question has plagued sensitive young men for years. And sometimes, it's just a few simple words that separate post-celluloid sex from rejection. How many times have you shelled out $20 at the local cinema (or wasted precious minutes downloading black market movies to your laptop) only to be told by your date that she doesn't see you that way or she wants to wait or that something about sitting next to you for two hours has suddenly turned her off to men?
Well, never again. Watch and learn as I shepherd you through the right and wrong moves for your movie dates. To help illustrate, I have selected five titles and present them now in order of difficulty. Please be advised that I haven't seen any of these films since their release so I might be a little sketchy on details, but these tried and true courting techniques remain accurate nonetheless.
#5.Wild Things
The Wrong Approach:
Turning to your date and saying, "Hey, baby. I have an idea. You be Neve Campbell and I'll be Denise Richards." This is an understandable mistake, but wrong. First of all, be a gentleman. Make your date the hot one. But actually that's not such a good idea either. Because outside of a three month period in 1998, no one has ever spent much time fantasizing about Neve Campbell. You don't want to be her.
Although seemingly crass, the point here is to let the movie do the work for you. She just saw two hours of sanitized girly sex. And her only hetero release was Matt Dillon and/or Kevin Bacon. You can do this!
#4.
Boogie Nights
The Wrong Approach:
"Hey, baby, you think that's something? You should see what I got." Unless you actually do have a comically oversized circus penis that is larger than Marky Mark's prosthetically-enhanced schlong, this is the probably the worst thing you could possibly say. It's all about managing expectations. Let's say your line works. What are you gonna say five seconds later when your pants come down and she looks more disappointed than the audience in PT Anderson's follow up film, Magnolia, when those frogs fell from the sky for no reason. Also, if you really are that big, you probably don't want to attempt sex unless your date has a reinforced steel diaphragm to prevent the impaling of internal organs.
The Right Approach:
"Yeah, I heard that wasn't real. Marky Mark isn't that big. Also I have better skin. Boy your eyes are pretty."
#3.
Ghost
The Wrong Approach:
Given the problems referenced above, you might be tempted to just try something cute. Something like saying, "Hey, I have a spinning wheel. Want to sculpt some clay?" Or maybe dropping your pants, pointing to your junk and saying, "Hey wanna sculpt some, um, clay?" There is a problem with this approach, however. It is retarded.
The Right Approach:
Dim the lights. Put on the movie's theme song, "Unchained Melody," and offer your date a deep-tissue massage from behind. This way, she can more easily imagine Patrick Swayze in his prime instead of your ugly ass. That might hurt your pride. It might create a void in your soul, yearning to be desired for the man you are. But you won't think about these things until at least two or even three minutes after your orgasm. And that's what matters. Also, unlike Swayze, you're still alive. Who's the loser now? Well, you still are because he seemed like a really nice guy, and he sure was an attractive fellow, but tomorrow's another day!
