by DAVID CHATZISTAMATIS
The Legality of….Murder?
The short answer: Yes. Yes it is. Obviously they weren’t actuallycontemplating the morality of doing away with your wife. But could you imagine the firestorm this would create among feminists if this were released today?
They’ll Give You Legs of Gold
Other than its bizarre theme, this could be interpreted as just plain sexist. I understand the sort of draw that something like bare thighs would have had back then, but come on now.
Pack It On, Sweetie
My, how times have a-changed. Can you imagine living in a world where girls were too skinny? They needed to plump up a bit for the summer season. Andthey needed a supplement to actually gain weight! Today you can just buy anything on a grocery store shelf and you’ll be sure to gain that 15 pounds in no time.
Keeping Her In Her Place
I’m not exactly sure what this ad is getting at….Is her place in the shoe? Or on the floor with no clothes (some guys would be ok with that)?
Only the Important Things
Men, we’ve all been in that situation where we find that perfect girl who just has it all….the perfect smile, nice teeth, a lovely figure, and the most gorgeous eyes we’ve ever seen. But we ultimately have to dump her. Why? Because she simply is using the wrong deodorant. And what a shame, too, because she showed such great potential.
Brush Your Teeth, or the Spider Woman Will Get Ya
Look, brushing your teeth with good, strong toothpaste is a very worthwhile endeavor; but seriously, though, what in the heck is up with the spiderweb lady? What message could they possible be trying to portray?
Smart Moms Give Their Kids Sugar Crashes
You remember when your mom would bring home a bunch of candy and tell you to load up for that trip to the park? Yeah, me neither. Perhaps that’s because smart moms give their kids actual food like vegetables that turn into natural energy instead of giving their kids something that turns them into the Incredible Hulk before they collapse of exhaustion.
The Alluring Flavor of High Fructose Corn Syrup and Red Food Dye
We get it, ketchup is delicious. It enhances the flavor of many foods beyond just french fries and burgers. But dear lord, let’s not give ketchup awkward undertones!
A Tender Puff To Give Her Worth….and Lung Cancer
Any man who smokes with dignity knows how much a good woman loves to be around the aroma of a stout Cuban cigar, right? Wrong. Men, unless she’s a druggie, DO NOT blow in her face, or else the only place she’ll be following you to is the garage so she can grab a tool and kill you with it.
Revolutionizing the Health Industry
Folks, you can throw away those gym memberships and weight loss plans, because this is the thing you’ve been needing to finally get your unhealthy lifestyle under control. After all, it directly promotes your vital organs, cures diseases, and prolongs life!
Being Sexist In Style
The Right Cleaners
This head-scratching logo is quite ridiculous and the graphic is painfully difficult to understand. Why are two pitch-black dolls coming to clean my house, and why are they arriving in a paper airplane? Just so that their lame slogan will make some sort of sense?
A Literal Head of Lettuce
Genuine Taste
A Woman In a Man’s World
Ladies, remember when you had to be a man to serve your country? It was cruel, yes, having to see your man go off to war and possibly never come back, but sadly you were a woman and didn’t have the opportunity to die.
Vintage Spam
Poor Mary. She’s spent so much time trying to give Jimmy subtle hints (like blatantly writing it on the board) concerning her feelings for him, and all that selfish little brat can think about is his thrifty meat. I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time a guy has thought about his meat before.
Well So Long As It’s Safe
Parents, you’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Once the poor kid hits puberty and starts shaving, they just can’t properly do it because they’ve spent the last 14 years of their life doing stupid things like playing with toys. But thankfully there’s a resource now that allows them to practice shaving their facial hair when they’re barely out of the womb!
Stacked
You all know how difficult it is dealing with a microwave, oven, and food warmer all in three separate locations. The wear and strain on your body hardly makes cooking a meal worth it! Well, thanks to modern innovation you can have all three appliances in one handy location, giving you more time to sip on your martini in your party dress while you wait for your frozen casserole to explode in the microwave.
Hard Work Maketh the Woman
Ask any lady out there if running a home, cooking the meals, cleaning, and taking care of the kids makes her look better or worse and you’ll get one single, overwhelming response. Unless there’s marijuana in those pills, I doubt any type of work could make anybody look “cuter.”
Gals Are Pals
You gals had better be thankful that jobs exist for you! After all, who would have sewn those uniforms for the boys overseas if ladies were attending to their subpar duties like taking care of the children?
We’re Still Talking About Electronics, Right?
Sega is well aware what keeps guys entertained when they’re all alone in their rooms.
Smoking For Two
Nothing says taking care of your unborn child like taking a puff on a cigarette. After all, the research has shown that nobody dies from smoking or inhaling cigarette smoke, right?
Those Danged Women
Women, you should feel absolutely ashamed for being such poor representations of your gender! After all, you should know that all he wants is for you to shut up and serve him his dinner while he lounges in front of the television.
“Nature’s Toothpaste For Your Colon”
We all know that celery is very healthy, and it’s nice to know it does your colon well; but for god’s sake, did you have to make the ad so PG-13? A picture of someone eating celery – anything but that!
A Woman’s Place
Men, if you’re fortunate enough to have a wife chained to a stove cooking you healthy meals, fantastic. If you’re single, however, and aren’t burdened with a little miss, you have the freedom to go to Hardee’s and get some heart attack to go.
INSTANT Wellness
Natural medicine is a thing of the past, at least when you give your children drugs to cure all that ails them.
Action Zone
Men, have you been looking for some pants with a little extra room for your snack sack? Well thanks to modern innovation, you can now walk the dog in luxury. Just make sure your wife knows where the “action zone” is!
You remember when your mom would bring home a bunch of candy and tell you to load up for that trip to the park? Yeah, me neither. Perhaps that’s because smart moms give their kids actual food like vegetables that turn into natural energy instead of giving their kids something that turns them into the Incredible Hulk before they collapse of exhaustion.
This might be considered among the more blatant forms of sexism in existence, but you can’t blame them for appealing to a man’s fantasies. But try getting this approved today and see how far you get.
I suppose I’d want some fancy dressings for my head if it were made entirely of lettuce. It’s eye-catching, to be sure, but it hardly makes me want to rush out and purchase a bottle.
I should certainly hope that you can actually taste the fruit in fruit gummies! After all, I wouldn’t want to taste bleach or something like that when I pop one of those things in my mouth.
A Woman’s Place
